Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
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My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.