Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.