Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

Me trying to reach for my goals

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.