Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
me as a parent
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.