Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.