Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Am I having a stroke?

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.