Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

my favorite genre of twitter

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??