Breakfast for Stoners:
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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”