Breakfast for Stoners:
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paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?