Breakfast in bed.
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Aight bet
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.