Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

Don’t tell me what to do

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

I am yelling

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.