Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
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I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me irl
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.