Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
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“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I falcon love using swear birds
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
What an awful time to have common sense.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”