Breakfast in bed.
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People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air