Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
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Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Pat is about to own someone
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?