Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
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Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Sing it!
Snack for election night!
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*