Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
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Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes