Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.