Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”