Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.