breakfast, the most important beer of the day
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My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming