breakfast, the most important beer of the day
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When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…