Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.