Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

Weirdos gonna weird.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.