Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

These are so Plastic Man-core

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room