Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

#IWishIHadNever noticed

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face