Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

time for some seasonal decor

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.