[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Every damn time
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
groan^2
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands