wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
A customer told me they were never coming back….
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.