@trouteyes

BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

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@Sassafrantz

Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It’s always “KILL” or “MURDER” or “YOU’RE OUT OF NUTELLA”

@UnFitz

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

@jennfer46

Husband wanted me to go hunting today.
He bought me the cutest brown outfit and a cute lil hat, you know with the fake antl..wait a minute

@flashember

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

@caliluvgirl77

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

@mynameisntdave

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

@patnspankme

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

@chadchaines

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

@SadieSmithRoks

Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.