The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?