Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*