BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
You Might Also Like
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
5 ways to appear taller
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me driving through Toronto
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
The pen is writier than the sword.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.