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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Hero horse inspires millions
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER