BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
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[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Rooting for the overdog
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.