BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
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*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
the world’s most popular steaming services
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad