Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Another day, another…goddammit
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.