Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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we’re gonna need another temp
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
bury ourselves
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.