Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos