Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

☠️ ☠️

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

I don’t get marriage

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait