Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Saturday

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.