Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

you’re damn right i have

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

don’t message me unless you have this energy

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.