Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

you could not pay me to delete this app

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs