Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

😂🥴

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

this could fix me