BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
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My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I need to update my racial profile.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me