Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.