Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia