BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
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Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
And that about sums it up.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
shit just got real
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
My beach vacation Google searches
