Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”