Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
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Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
White Castle for the Win
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
they split up moments later
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”