Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
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me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.