Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.