Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

I…do not understand how electricity works.

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.