BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
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I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
⚠️ Important Reminder:
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
These are too funny not to post 😂
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.