Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

$4 #usedbooks

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

🤨

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.