BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
mathematically impossible
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.