Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

I might carry a baby with one hand.

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

This seems like peak sibling energy

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.