Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

Just read an article that said, “As the 2030s loom nearer,” and it was so rude.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.