BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
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My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
sigh
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman