BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
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What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.