BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
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EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord