BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
What do you call a retired miner?
Doug
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.