Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.