BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
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They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Flowers bee like
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.