BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.