Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

I’m never leaving this app.

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

🍂🕷️🍂

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.