Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

But that’s none of my business

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

My birthstone is kidney

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”