BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
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I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Respect
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.