BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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oh sorry i cant im busy that day
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.