BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.