BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
