Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis