Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
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When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?